The Ambiguously Homosexual Vampire: All Dialogue



I. [All Dialogue]

Leon: “Vincent, can I . . . talk to you?”

Vincent: “No.”

Leon: “Please?”

Vincent: “Well in that case . . . hell no.”

Leon: “I’m going to talk anyways, you know.”

Vincent: “I know.”

Leon: “Good.”

Vincent: “Good.”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “Don’t sit next to me.”

Leon: “It’s a free picnic table. I can sit wherever I want.”

Vincent: “If you’re going to sit here then I’m going to sit over there.”

Leon: “If you love me you’ll stay here.”

Vincent: “Bye Leon.”

Leon: “Get back here!”

Vincent: “I did say I was leaving . . .”

Leon: “If you keep trying to leave—”

Vincent: “—you’ll follow me anyways?”

Leon: “Pretty much.”

Vincent: “. . . Fine . . . but don’t bother me.”

Leon: “I just want to talk.”

Vincent: “If you want to talk then go talk to a wall, it’ll give you more attention than I will.”

Leon: “I figured that, but I’m going to talk anyways.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Even if you give me the silent treatment, I’m still going to talk.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Nothing? Okay. I can deal with that.”

Vincent: “. . . “

Leon: “. . . You’ve been acting funny lately.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “The others have noticed it too.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “We talked about it.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “And we think we know why.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Do you want to know why?”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Because we think you’re—”

Vincent: “Shut up, Leon.”

Leon: “I thought you weren’t talking to me . . .?”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “So you’re not talking to me?”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “We think you’re—”

Vincent: “Sod off.”

Leon: “Ah . . . I see how it is.”

Vincent: “Do you?”

Leon: “I do.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “You don’t want me telling you we think you’re—”

Vincent: “That’s enough. Just drop it, okay?”

Leon: “It would be good to talk about it . . .”

Vincent: “What good could it do me? I don’t want to talk about it!”

Leon: “It’s good to talk things out. And how do you know I’m going to suggest what you think I’m going to? Maybe I’m going to suggest something completely different.”

Vincent: “I just know.”

Leon: “You do? Then what am I going to say?”

Vincent: “Nice try.”

Leon: “I’d like to think it was overdone, but if you think it’s nice then thank you.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Vinniekins-love. . .”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Vinniekins-love, I want to talk to you.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “I want to know if you really are—”

Vincent: “For fuck’s sake! Just leave me alone!”

Leon: “Biting your nails is a bad habit, even if you’re mad. . .”

Vincent: “It keeps my hands busy so I don’t strangle you.”

Leon: “At least you’re talking to me. . .”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Vinniekins-love—”

Vincent: “Stop calling me that!”

Leon: “Vinnie-pooh?”

Vincent: “Oh now that’s going to get you on my good side.”

Leon: “. . . Are you . . .”

Vincent: “Am I?”

Leon: “Are you—”

Vincent: “Pissed? Yes. Angry? Definitely. Browned off? Absolutely. In high dudgeon? HELL YES.”

Leon: “I get that you’re cross. . .”

Vincent: “You don’t know the half of it.”

Leon: “But I’m really curious about this and I’ve been working up the courage to ask you for three weeks.”

Vincent: “You think I’m going to suddenly pity you and listen? Ha, ha, ha! Excuse me while I jump out of a plane with no parachute.”

Leon: “A fate no where near as bad as drinking blood, hmm?”

Vincent: “Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew!”

Leon: “Snicker.”

Vincent: “‘S not funny.”

Leon: “Is so!”

Vincent: “Humph.”

Leon: “Snicker.”

Vincent: “. . . Bye.”

Leon: “Wait for me! I’ll come with! I still have to ask you if you’re—”

“Leon! You’re right, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

Leon: “Ur . . . well . . .”

Vincent: “You’re right! I hate blood! It is nasty and makes my head hurt.”

Leon: “That’s not what I was going to—”

Vincent: “I hate Erica too.”

Leon: “Vincent, that’s not—”

Vincent: “I also hate you at the moment.”

Leon: “Vince—”

Vincent: “And I do love broccoli, but I hate pizza with ham and sausage, that’s gross.”

Leon: “Be quiet for a moment—”

Vincent: “I don’t like gym class, Coach Gremlin makes me ill.”

Leon: “Can you just shut—”

Vincent: “You know you’re right! It feels so good to talk things out!”

Leon: “But that’s not what I—”

Vincent: “And you know, I truly hate you calling me Vinniekins or Vinniekins-love. You’re too old for that, and did I mention your sense of style makes me nauseas? I absolutely hate your sculptures and I—”

Leon: “VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!”

Vincent: “. . . Whoa . . . I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Leon: “Huff . . . If you had j-just shut up when I told you to . . .”

Vincent: “I still can’t believe you said that.”

Leon: “What’s wrong with me saying it?”

Vincent: “Nothing . . . it’s just . . . you should go wash your mouth out with soap now.”

Leon: “And give myself a heart attack? Fat chance!”

Vincent: “Tabasco sauce then.”

Leon: “Sigh . . . Can you tell me what’s wrong with you?”

Vincent: “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Leon: “. . . Are you—”

Vincent: “Look over there! A helicopter! No—Wait, that’s a bird.”

Leon: “Are you—”

Vincent: “I was right the first time! It is a helicopter!”

Leon: “Are you—”

Vincent: “And there’s a cloud that looks like a chocolate bar!”

Leon: “Where?? I don’t see it!”

Vincent: “I lied.”

Leon: “Why would you do that to me? Sniff. I want to see a cloud shaped like a chocolate bar.”

Vincent: “I only did it because it kept you from asking me that damn question of yours.”

Leon: “Why are you avoiding the question?”

Vincent: “Why are you asking so many questions?”

Leon: “Isn’t it obvious?”

Vincent: “Obviously not.”

Leon: “It’s because I’m your friend and I care.”

Vincent: “Ha! The second any of you berks start caring is the second I’m out of here.”

Leon: “I’m serious here.  I . . . You’re one of my best friends and it’s . . .”

Vincent: “Is this because of guilt?”

Leon: “N-No! It’s because I . . . argh, I don’t know how to explain this.”

Vincent: “You want to know because you’ll feel bad if something terrible happens to me and you could have prevented it if you had just talked to me. That about sum it up?”

Leon: “In a nutshell.”

Vincent: “Why would you want to put it in a nutshell?”

Leon: “Figure of speech.”

Vincent: “Figuratively speaking, you suck.”

Leon: “Thank you! I’d like to thank my mum and papa for making it possible, and my brothers Taften and Nathan for being similar to me and my baby sister Jasmine for just being herself.”

Vincent: “Aww . . . you don’t want to thank me?”

Leon: “I can’t thank you until you tell me if you’re—”

Vincent: “WOW! That woman has big knockers.”

Leon: “Pervert.”

Vincent: “It wasn’t a perverted comment, she’s holding door knockers.”

Leon: “. . . Oh . . . she actually is.”

Vincent: “Surprised I wasn’t looking at her chest?”

Leon: “No. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “And enter the silent treatment. Listen, Vincent, I just want to know if you fancy—”

Vincent: “Ketchup crisps? ‘Fraid not, I prefer All Dressed with a tad bit of Trapienese Onion dip. Mmm . . . that sounds good.”

Leon: “That’s gross.”

Vincent: “You who likes escargot and liver pate can tell me that I’m the one who eats gross food?”

Leon: “We both eat weird food, let’s leave it at that.”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “I’d like to ask you this without you interrupting this time . . .”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Vincent, do you have an inclination to ogle—”

Vincent: “Bugger, I bit my tongue. This hurts.”

Leon: “Do you prefer—”

Vincent: “Ow, this really hurts.”

Leon: “Would you rather look at—”

Vincent: “HOLY HELL! Look at the time! Lunch is almost over and I know Coach Gremlin is going to murder me if I don’t show up!”

Leon: “I haven’t asked you the entire question yet!”

Vincent: “And what does that tell you?”

Leon: “It—”

Vincent: “It should tell you that I don’t want to hear it.”

Leon: “But—”

Vincent: “No buts.”

Leon: “You’re acting like a child.”

Vincent: “You’re acting like a child.“

Leon: “Don’t mock me!”

Vincent: “Don’t mock me!“

Leon: “Vincent . . .”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “I just want to know . . .”

Vincent: “This information, it’s dire to your life?”

Leon: “Of course not! But I . . . I’m sick of not knowing.”

Vincent: “What about me, huh? Do you think I want people to know? What if I was planning on taking this to the grave with me?”

Leon: “I didn’t think of that.”

Vincent: “There are a lot of things you don’t understand and I understand that you want to know this about me but I . . .”

Leon: “Are you?”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “Are you—”

Vincent: “Sick of hearing this? Indubitably.”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “Now let’s go to class.”

Leon: “I’m not letting you get away with not telling me.”

Vincent: “With not telling you what?”

Leon: “Whether or not you’re—”

Vincent: “Buggering a bloke?”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “Erm, Leon?”

Leon: “S-Sorry, I didn’t expect you to . . . urm . . . put it that way.”

Vincent: “Too crude?”

Leon: “A tad.”

Vincent: “My apologies, I should have said having sexual intercourse with a bloke as that is what we learn in health class.”

Leon: “Are you?”

Vincent: “Am I what?”

Leon: “. . . Buggering a bloke?”

Vincent: “Nope.”

Leon: “So you don’t . . .”

Vincent: “Fancy a glance at the bulge in your pants once in awhile?”

Leon: “V-Vincent!”

Vincent: “Too crude again?”

Leon: “Do you like males or females?”

Vincent: “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

Leon: “How can I find it out when you won’t give me a straight answer?”

Vincent: “Hmm . . . Let me put it this way. Bent people don’t give straight answers.”

Leon: “. . . That means you’re—”

Vincent: “Late for gym.”

Leon: “W-What!?”

Vincent: “You are too, by the way.”

Leon: “Bollocks!”

Vincent: “Yours are nice to look at.”

Leon: “. . . You’ve been looking at my—”

Vincent: “Occasionally.”

Leon: “I can’t believe you!”

Vincent: “Fine, don’t believe me.”

Leon: “. . . Let’s just go to gym class.”

Vincent: “Oooh . . . you want to be my gym buddy and spot for me while I bench press?”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “I promise I won’t look at you change or drool at your crotch while I’m pressing.”

Leon: “Groan.”

Vincent: “You look a mite peakish; want me to nurse you back to health in the janitors’ closet?”

Leon: “I’m going to go toss my cookies now.”

Vincent: “I’ll be sure to tell Coach Gremlin that I shagged you too roughly and you’re in the bathroom lying on the ground in pain.”

Leon: “GROAN.”

Vincent: “Oh ick, don’t you Ralph on my shoes!”

Leon: “Urp—!!!”

Vincent: “You want me to kiss you better?”

Leon: “I’M GOING TO BE SICK!”

Vincent: “I’m well aware of that, but we can neck after, can’t we? You’ll have to brush your teeth and get some mouthwash, but it’ll all be worth it while I’m shoving my tongue down your throat.”

Leon: “V-Vincent.”

Vincent: “Yes, Darling?”

Leon: “S-Stop it.”

Vincent: “No can do, Pudding.”

Leon: “Seriously—Stop it.”

Vincent: “But Muffin!”

Leon: “Pl-Please.”

Vincent: “Aww . . . Cupcake, don’t you want to snuggle me? I’m nice and warm...”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “. . . See? Nice and warm.”

Leon: “Mmm . . . you are warm . . . Wait—No, get away from me!”

Vincent: “Tch, you like me hugging you.”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “You do like me hugging you, don’t you, Leonkins?”

Leon: “We’re late for class.”

Vincent: “Let’s skiv it.”

Leon: “B-But—”

Vincent: “Let’s skiv it and explore your newfound attraction in this empty classroom!”

Leon: “AH!”

Vincent: “. . .”

Leon: “I hate you.”

Vincent: “Wha’s that? You’re mumbling against my lips and I can’t make it out.”

Leon: “I hate you.”

Vincent: “You want me to kiss you harder? Well if you want me to . . .”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “Now was that so bad?”

Leon: “It wouldn’t have been so bad if this classroom was actually EMPTY!”

Vincent: “It’s not?”

Leon: “You’re here.”

Vincent: “Bah! Technicalities!”

Leon: “. . .”

Vincent: “Something on your mind, Pumpkin?”

Leon: “Vincent, you never told me . . .”

Vincent: “Told you what?”

Leon: “Do you prefer birds or blokes?”

Vincent: “You’re asking me this now? With my hand down your pants you still don’t know?”

Leon: “Birds or blokes?”

Vincent: “. . . You.”